Self-acceptance. Self-care. Self…
Those words mean so many different things to different people. And in today’s fast-paced, individualistic and overly-critical society, self-compassion is often seen as indulgent. We are told to “suck it up” or “grin and bear it”.
Some view self-compassion as a weakness. Or it is something we “treat ourselves with” when things are going bad.
Self-compassion is none of those things.
For individuals living with chronic illness (IBD or other), self-compassion is the cornerstone for healthy coping.
Noted psychologist and researcher Kristen Neff has this to say about self-compassion:
Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?
Like many, I found this out the hard way.
I am still on a journey of learning how to better embrace self-compassion. To be more gentle and accepting of myself and my (new) limitations. Self-compassion sounds easy – it is not. But it is possible.
Looking inward
For the longest time, I had zero concept of self-compassion. Absolutely zero.
After my IBD diagnosis, I was in denial. For years, I ignored my pain. I pushed through illness and did my best to sweep all of the miserable things I was feeling under the rug.
I thought that if I ignored it and pretended everything was ok…then things would go back to normal right? …Wrong!
That approach worked for a while. Until it didn’t. Years of neglecting my mental health and self-care ultimately caught up with me. As my health worsened, everything in my life came crashing down around me. That is a story for another day, but needless to say…it was ugly.
Instead of practicing self-compassion, I was doing the opposite. I was practicing self-hatred and self-heartlessness. And the scary thing was, I wasn’t even really aware of it.
Turning point
I began seeing an amazing counselor (who I am so grateful came into my life). In working with her, I became more aware that I was extremely lacking in self-compassion. Such attributes are common in personality types like mine: Type-A, worrying, over-achiever, people-pleaser.
The self-criticism and negative self-talk was constantly putting me down. Being so sick, I could no longer define myself in terms of career performance, accomplishments, etc.
I had a long history of people pleasing and putting other people’s needs before my own. My sense of self was shattered. I hated the person this illness had turned me into. I hated myself.
Many of us extend immense compassion to those around us. Hell, even to strangers. But, for whatever reason, we cannot give that same compassion to ourselves.
Never, not in a million years, would I speak to a friend or loved one using the same hateful dialogue that was occuring inside my head – “this illness is MY fault”, “I must be a bad person”, “I am unworthy of love or happiness”, “I might as well give up”.
Would I ever say those words to a friend who confided in me that they were struggling? Hell no! Yet, I had no problem directing those words toward myself.
Not done yet
Thus began a process of making a conscious effort to be more self-compassionate. To interrupt those negative and distorted thought processes. Most of all, to be more kind with myself and give myself the same love and understanding that I give those around me.
Trying to be more self-compassionate is probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I’m still not entirely sure how “good at it” I am yet. But I am much better than I was. It’s a process, and I continue to learn more about it.
So if you are struggling….or feeling hopeless or defeated, perhaps try taking a moment to explore where you are at in terms of self-compassion. Consider finding a counselor or other professional that can help you do this.
The results may startle you, but it could be the first step down a path of better acceptance, coping and ultimately….better wellness.
That is my wish for all of you.
And as always, be gentle with yourselves.
For further reading, visit: https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/