Self-compassion & Chronic Illness Part 2

What could have been…

As I said in my last post, one of the most important lessons that I am still learning in regard to living with IBD is self-compassion. By no means am I an expert.

I have most likely just barely scratched the surface when it comes to the potential of self-compassion, but it has been immensely helpful.

I often think how things might have turned out differently had I adopted a more self-compassionate mindset when I was at my sickest. I’m not saying it would have saved me any pain or suffering…but it probably would have allowed me to frame my suffering in a more caring and manageable way.

Alas, I did not do this. And I paid for it.

Dark days

For most of 2019-2021, I was in a very dark place. I experienced suffering like I never thought possible.

There were a lot of low points. Constantly in and out of the hospital (bonus: during the peak of Co-vid). Life was one medical complication after another. Surgeries. Setbacks. Shame. Guilt.

IBD had effectively taken everything from me: my career, my relationship of 11-years, my independence. My life had basically been pulled out from underneath me. Self-hate permeated everything.

Things were so bad I began to believe I must be a bad person…because I thought only bad people were forced to suffer like this. Surely I did something to deserve all of this.

There was lost hope. Lots of hospital and medical-related trauma. I ignored my mental health. I was doing everything but being self-compassionate.

And this continued for a long time…even after I was outside of health “crisis” mode. And during all this time, not a single health professional asked me: “Chris – how are you coping mentally with all of this?” “How are you doing emotionally?”

It was always “on to the next treatment”. Or the next test. Or the next medication.

All the attention being paid to the physical causes of illness, with little or no attention paid to the other parts of my humanity.

I felt small and unseen. I felt like I was my illness.

Challenging my perspective

Thank god for my counselor. It was with her that I began learning about self-compassion and how I could use it as a coping strategy…especially on bad pain/fatigue days. Or days when I was feeling particularly down. Self-compassion can form the basis of a healthy sense of self.

Kristin Neff (2015) breaks down self-compassion into 3 core parts:

1) Self-kindness (vs. self-judgement): being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or beating ourselves up with self-criticism. Lesson: “give yourself the same kindness and understanding that you would give a friend or loved one”.

2) Common humanity (vs. isolation): “you” are not the only one suffering or making mistakes. All humans suffer. The very definition of being “human” means being mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. Lesson: “you are a human, who is connected to many other humans. Sometimes being human is difficult. Suffering is part of the shared human experience”.

3) Mindfulness (vs. over-identification): taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Observe and acknowledge your emotions in a non-judgmental way. Lesson: “try to think – I am having this experience. It is difficult. But it does not define me.”

Affirmations

I’m not going to lie, I used to think mantras and affirmations were somewhat hokey. They never worked for me.

One day, however, my counselor challenged me to write an affirmation for myself that was grounded in self-compassion.

After many iterations, I finally came up with:

“I wholly and deeply accept myself today. I am safe and doing my best”.

For me, this affirmation was simple, quick to say (or think) and easy to remember. I made a point to repeat it to myself consistently. Especially during moments that were difficult, stressful or painful. Or in moments when I was quietly reflecting, visualizing or being mindful. For whatever reason, the affirmation stuck.

I now find myself using it quite often. At least once a day. Usually more.

An affirmation is not a magic bullet by any means…but the more I practiced it and repeated it to myself, the more I found myself defaulting to it during times of distress or discomfort. It doesn’t always help…but it is definitely a better strategy than what I was doing before – sending myself into a spiral of self-blame, self-pity and excessive worrying.

Suffering well

Below is another affirmation I like to use. This one is powerful because it covers all 3 of the components of self-compassion. It can also be found in Kristin Neff’s book.

“This is a moment of suffering” [mindfulness]

“Suffering is a part of life” [common humanity]

“May I be kind to myself in this moment…May I give myself the compassion that I need” [self-kindness]

I encourage everyone to experiment with writing your own version of a self-compassion affirmation. Something that really resonates with you. It is probably one of the easiest steps you can take toward practicing more self-compassion in your life.

As always, stay gentle.

Kristin Neff – lots of great self-compassion resources on this site: https://self-compassion.org/

Self-compassion exercises: https://positivepsychology.com/how-to-practice-self-compassion/